So…Now What?

Greetings, squadlings!

First and foremost, I would like to thank you all for the kind messages I have received in regards to my last two posts.

Y’all, the hell has come to an end: I’ve officially graduated college.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Most companies are on a hiring freeze due to the pandemic. My two jobs have not reopened. I am…bored. Which has left me a lot of time to think. Which I wish I didn’t have.

Tomorrow marks one month since Aunt Meg died. I feels like forever ago, which is strange, because I haven’t really done anything in between then and now.

Grief is an interesting thing: It’s even more interesting when you’re locked in your house and can’t distract yourself by hanging out with your friends or going and spending money you don’t have on things you don’t need at the stores. I’ll start to think about Aunt Meg, and then instantly start to think of something else because I refuse to cry again.

She would not be pleased that I put that gif in here.

We weren’t even able to have a funeral due to the pandemic, so our grief process is on hold. We didn’t just get to have the funeral, bury her ashes, and try to move on with our lives. We get to do that in July (hopefully). 

I wonder what that’s going to be like. I’ve never really had to put grief on hold before–it came, it went. Now, I have to deal with Aunt Meg’s death three months after she actually died. 

I did something I never wanted to do: I graduated college without her. The day of my “graduation”, which of course had no ceremony, I was in one of the worst moods I’ve been in since Aunt Meg died. I didn’t want to hear about graduation. I didn’t want to celebrate it. I just wanted that stupid day to be over, and I didn’t know why.

Looking back, I think it was because I knew she wasn’t there to celebrate it with me.

Be well, squadlings.